Ryou's Journal....

[Ryou Half-Wit Wolf]

So I am also making a journal on this site too...since I don't really do anything else because i'm to fucking shy and stupid to talk to any other siters except Melvin, Bluey, Riku and sometimes Pink and Chris. Even then that's rare. I mean sure I'll comment on something but those people (plus Rin) are the only ones I have a full conversation with. So I don't know why, my but social anxiety has risen and my self esteem has dropped. So instead of complaining on failbook, i'll complain here since no one really ever reads my journals.


I have the mind set of an anorexic, i'm just to lazy to do it. -_- this is healthy. I talked to Rin and Riku about this, and they both said it's not a smart idea. But because I seem to lose weight when I don't eat more than once a day here is what I am going to do.
Over dose on monsters and eat like once a day and run. Alot.
Part of the problem of me wanting to be overly thin, is because I hate being female, yes that is the reason. I hate having boobs and I hate having a vagina and just about everything else. (Though I will always like long hair)
If I was thinner (and these are facts, not just myths) I would have smaller to no boobs, and if I run and become skinny enough my periods will stop.

I know this one girl, she is my friend I guess.... though we havent spoken to each other in months and she is the complete opposite of me, i'm talking super skinny and blonde and...preppy. We only got along because we were both weird as fuck. -_-

But she weighs like nothing, and she isn't anorexic or bulimic, it just runs in her family! Her sister is the same way. She is flat with like girl abs, so boobs, at all and she sometimes doesn't get her period because she runs and because of her weight (she is an athlete, like I was but then I stopped tae kwon do because of reasons, but she is on like everyone of her school sports teams) So i'm jealous and I hate her because of it. She wants boobs and to have my body basically.

Then another one of my friends, has something that causes her to go long periods of time without getting her period. She just got her first one in 17 months. I do not want kids, she has a 50% chance of having kids, I have a 100% chance and there is nothing I can do about it because the doctors will refuse to do anything because of my age!

Oh well Ryou, why don't you just take testosterone and become male?
Because that could be a very large mistake, i'm only 15 ( in less than 10 days) I don't want to do something stupid that I may regret in the long run, i'm smarter than that.

So no, that's it, I don't want to eat, and I won't. All because I hate my fucking female body.

So for the angst teen drama that probably bored the few people who actually read this to death.

[Ryou Half-Wit Wolf]

Here is another, entry which will pretty much no one look at it. This way, I don't get bitched at for anything I say.
So here it go's, Here is what I truly think of myself:

1. I hate myself, for multiple reasons. Because of what I've done and i'm constantly pulling at my skin and stomach and legs.
2. I hate being a female. I hate having breasts, a vagina everything. I want them all GONE
3. I hate my weight. A part of me wants to be anorexic (not to the extreme). Why? because it all leads back to hating being female. If I'm thinner, i'll have smaller thighs and almost no boobs. I hate having a stomach. I just hate it. I hate being over 110 pounds, if I lose a dramatic amount of weight, i'll try and keep it off.
4. I am constantly thinking about what I did as a kid, and it makes me want to destroy myself, and sometimes I do.
5. I hate when I destroy myself, I hate the scars it leaves, but I still continue when I can't control it.
6. I honestly don't care about myself and it makes me laugh. I refuse to die and would fight to live, but other than that I just don't care.
7. I am afraid to age. Terrified actually. I don't want to be over the age of 18. I over think about it to much.
8. I do not like being in large crowds of people. Because I think people are scum. I hate when people I don't know touch me. I hate when some people I know touch.
9. I think about being male almost all day and all night. I don't even day dream with myself as being female anymore. I think about taking testosterone. But i'm young, and don't want to make a mistake. I'm also afraid of what my parents would say.
10. I hate/love how I wish I had no biological family. I want them gone. But I don't want them dead.

The past week I only ate once a day, nothing big either. Twice this week I've eaten twice because I didn't want people to get mad. But i'm getting annoyed and I just don't want to eat anymore. I want to stop for a little while....without anybody figuring it out... That may be difficult. I'll also run... a few days out of the week for an hour after school before my mom comes home from work...
I don't know....I have issues, and I want them to go away....to stop. So I can't stop whining because I know how pathetic I sound..I know I have no right to whine or complain.

My step dad is getting out of jail in about 18 days or so. My mom changed the home phone number and her cell phone number. This should be fun, more drama. Who knows maybe he will come here and I can have a little fun...maybe I can end him and then we won't ever have to deal with him again.

I wonder if if the other kids from my past remember what happened? I wonder if they feel as much shame as I do? I wonder if they have ever told anybody....
I want them to be ...demolished I guess you could say... I want them...obliterated. I hate them so much.....and I can't explain why.

My ex, I hate him. But I keep talking to him because he is fucking dangerous and I don't want him to end up hating me... and doing something to me or somebody I know...threatening me or something. He keeps texting me and messaging me...its about 50/50 of what he talks about. Nonsense and how much he misses me, wishing for a second chance. I want him obliterated too.

I guess that's it for today.

[Ryou Half-Wit Wolf]

Soooo....I have to start therapy. Why? well because I've been at this high school for just 9 months, and they already think i'm crazy and need help.
Near the beginning of the year some shit head reported me to guidance and I had to go talk with the Chaplin (some church person/counselor). The didn't do much, just said that they were there if I ever needed to talk.
But I don't talk. I rant and then drop it unless it's really important, then I rant about it several times.
Anyways guidance called this place called "Kanark" and said they were worried about me. So some bitch came into my school and I was called down to the office, she talked to me while I was thinking about interesting ways to stab her, and then said I can confirm if I am going to do it next Thursday. I go home tell my parents because they found her card, and now i'm being made to do it. -_-
once every two weeks for the rest of the year and so on...

The most annoying part, is that Rin, was almost fucking supporting the idea. Sure we joked about creeping this bitch out, but then she started going on about how her friend go's there and apparently it's really helpful.

The reason why that made me mad was because well... I've mentioned before that I am fine the way I am. I don't need to talk to a professional about anything. I have the siters for that, anything that I actually need to talk about, I go to Melvin or bluey and it helps me more than this ever will. So it made me want to punch her in the face and rip her apart.

She asked if I cut myself. I looked her right in the eye and said no. Of course it was a lie, she wouldn't believe me if I said it wasn't because of depression, it's because of the rush you get and it makes you feel stuff. And I've only done it a few times, and not deep. Everyone around here knows that. She asked about suicidal thoughts. No, but I do think about death. Who the fuck doesn't.

This is going to end badly, watch me end up on medication. I have an addictive personality, it will probably end bad if the meds are addictive, which usually they are. >.>
Fuck this shit.

[Ryou Half-Wit Wolf]

I am really dreading Thursday >.> That's when I have to fucking talk to the therapist, because my fucking parents want me to. My mom thinks it's a joke but is making me go, my dad is serious about it and I'm sitting here like there is nothing wrong with me!....Okay that's a lie, there is plenty wrong with me but it's not doing any damage, and even i it did I wouldn't care.
Then after Thursday I have to go once every two weeks, and with my luck it will get bumped up to once a week....I swear to RA if I get put on meds because the idiotic "Doctors" think i'm depressed or have issues, I will fucking burn that place down!!


Anyways I actually did some shit today, I posted in the hideout in here, put up some other stuff, answered some shit, and RP'd with my dark side, Drac, and so far I'm really enjoying it, it feels good to RP with people here, it's easier than with people you don't know.

I'm also getting irritated because my hair isn't how I want it...I'll keep bothering my mother to make it how I want. White with icy blue. since I am Ryou, after all.

[Ryou Half-Wit Wolf]

Anorexia documentaries are the devil.
They are so fucking triggering, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. *bangs head against a fucking wall* And yet, I can't stop fucking watching them.
I think this all come from my gender "confusion" thing that I have, but I don't know. If I become anorexic, I become thinner, lose breasts and possibly have my period stop. But I could also get ridiculously sick, brittle and deathly, It bothers me alot actually.

Any character that I have RP'd or still do RP, they are all extremely thin, and are either anorexic or bulimic or even both. Especially my Ryou and Near accounts. Even this Ryou is really thin and barely eats. It's quite scary actually....

I'm going to talk to my dad about the whole gender thing again...possibly talk about a way to alter my body a bit.. like see if there is a way to stop periods and decrease boobs ...without getting testosterone because ...I don't know.... I'm to young to really make that big off a decision, especially when these thoughts only just showed up in the past year or so... so yeah... even if I can just look like I don't have a gender, that would be fine with me.

[Ryou Half-Wit Wolf]

I hate to complain on facebook, not to mention it keeps deleting mine and others accounts, but I need somewhere to rant and put down emotions and feeling I can't get out normally.

First, I keep getting sick and feeling weak and I have no idea why. I hate it. Currently my eye is all fucked up and mom says that I might have scratched it -_- whoopie. I've also been feeling exhausted no matter how much sleep I get, and it's driving me insane. I honestly just want to continuously curl up and sleep for decades in bed and once again I have no idea why I feel like this. Felling tired weak and dizzy is not a fun thing, especially when you have school and other things to worry about.

My dad, as much as love him and actually enjoy him, he wants me to be more social and wants me to try talking to boys or whatever...honestly I have had one guy on the first day of school try talking to me, to bad for him since Melvin is my mate and he's really annoying and hate him. A a few days after school another kid tried giving me his number...again I didn't like him so i threw it out and I'm with Melvin. A week or two ago, a phone number was literally thrown at me by someone I don't know. Calling me little blue. None of these people know i'm male either and are probably all straight. And I understand my dad wants me to have a somewhat normal and fun highschool experience, but I wish could just straight up tell him that I am with Mel, but i can't do that or he'll go into over protective parent mode. But still, t's really annoying.

I have been crying a motherfucking lot lately, and not just because of my eye. It's because I miss Melvin, and don't you dare say I can't miss someone I've never met in person, because I damn well can! I hate to admit I've been crying, but have, and I son't like to talk about it because It makes me feel weak and selfish and that makes me cry more..
All I want is a simple hug from him, and.. honestly... if some how someway, I could get one hug from him, and then make a deal that if were to never see, speak, or even be in contact with him again just so that all of the bullshit problems he and the others have to go through, I would make that deal. I would give up EVERYTHING, just so that his problems could be fixed and he would never have to go through shit again...
And there are somethings that make me so angry because of certain reasons, it sickens me and only makes me cry more..

There's probably more should talk about, like how I have to start therapy to do something or how I keep feeling empty and broken and just over all depressed.. but fuck it, who wants to hear me complain anyways, right?

[Ryou Half-Wit Wolf]

I barely fucking use this thing, but meh whatever, this is about the whole gender issue. As some, or most of you, whoever actually reads this thing, may know, I am in the wrong body. I have the body of a female and the rest of me is male. Not getting into detail, I have before, and it gets boring to explain.
Anyways, i have been going to the doctors, have gone twice now, I am waiting to here from a treatment/help place for this, though it's a busy time right now, and there aren't many in my area because I am in a small area with a small community of trans, and even gays. And I am supposed to go back again in 8 weeks, so sometime in march. My mother still does not know of this >.> But she will have to find out eventually, maybe >.> Anyways, it's basically like therapy and such. Which makes me super uncomfortable. I've been pretty honest so far with the doctor, except I am having trouble admitting that I have cut before... Only for a short period of time before it stopped helping and I decided it wasn't doing any good, the words just won't leave my mouth, so idk, maybe i'll write it down on a note to him or something... Because while talking to him about the topic of suicide and depression, I said I am not suicidal, because i'm not though I do get depressed sometimes, he never asked if I have harmed myself...so yeah ... >.> Though he turned to me and went "Males tend to lie more about this sort of thing, i'm not sure why, but it just happens that males are prone to lie more about it, and I want you to feel comfortable around me," So if I can't say out loud, i'll write it down and give him that instead.
Then the talk of surgery and such came up, he said it would be a long process and surgery at this stage was probably a no go, just because most doc's don't like doing it on kids or don't want to take away my "femminity" pfft, understandable. Though I didn't ask if that included breasts.. so next time I go I'm going to ask if there would be a way I could get a breast reduction. because A.) Not all females have boobs and some are flat so why should it matter, B.) Not all girls want them, C.) People get them all the time. It's probably safer than a breast enhancement as well.
I just kinda wanna walk around shirtless, I mean yeah i'm getting a proper chest binder soon, but I want to be able to walk around shirtless and identify as a male at the beach or in pictures (cosplay(like....doing a shirtless character or some shit) and non-cosplay. So yeah def gonna ask about that.
Then there is the whole name thing, I can't keep the name I have now, and I don't think going by Ryou would go so well, because it's a cartoon character, I thought about using Dymetrie since it would work, but i know somebody with that name and it may get awkward >.> Sooo...I'm stuck on that...

I could go on about my emotions and other feelings, or when I cry ad stuff that isn't this, but I don't fucking wanna.

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