Thoughts in BLUENESS

[Raphiella Blu Azure]

This is going to be where I place my Journal. Whatever's here, is for everyone to see.

[Raphiella Blu Azure]

Guess I'm online for a while. I don't really know why I'm even here. Things just aren't the same, and never will be after something like that. The truth is? If I didn't care, I sure as fuck wouldn't have made all that effort to bring everyone together, to include a person within a group, that considers themselves a family. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have sat there, and listened to the same argument, day after day, saying things time after time, over and over again... to try and help. I wouldn't have suggested anything, never would have given you options, nothing.

You say that you remember what I like on my food, that you offer me material things, whatever. I bought you material things too, let's not forget, and to me, that means nothing. Remembering what someone likes, after being around them - isn't caring. It's having knowledge about a person. Just because you've picked up on something everyone else already knows, don't mean that you care. Kindness and knowledge are two different things, and it's how you use it, that truly matters deep inside. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be the last one standing there each and every time. I'm not affectionate, I never will be. But I'll do other things like make edits, to show I care. Be there, say something for you, when you are unable. Defend you against those out to get you, and speak up whenever it's needed to prove that you're worth it.

That is showing that you care. Sitting there and listening only gets you so far. You say you know me, everything about me... but do you really? You know facts of me, and you have gone through a few similar things with me - so perhaps you know how I feel. Because we're both in human bodies, and we both feel those shitty emotions. But does that mean you know me? Truly? No it doesn't. Because even though you know things OF me, you're never there to pick up when I'm sad inside, when I'm tired, hell even if I say it, it doesn't even matter. You can't look into my eyes, and see - just how I feel. No one can. I barely even hide it anymore, even typing this, I almost feel nothing myself. But that doesn't mean, that behind these eyes, a story isn't being written.

I've suffered a lot in my life. Perhaps more than anyone else. I've made my life out to be nothing - nothing but helping these people like us, and others around us. Asking nothing in return, and doing everything, because that's what a real leader does. You say that I don't care, but I do. I was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice every time for you. You say that no one will be affectionate, and I find people who are. I even shared one of the people that I treasure so deeply, with you. Only for you to hurt him. Which hurts me. But you don't know that. Even though I brought it up, or typed it out, all you could say was how you were afraid to speak to someone. Now how can you be afraid to speak to them, to share words - but you have no fears in hurting them?

This is something I do not comprehend.

If anyone has answers, I'd like to hear them, no names, no intel, just bland information. I don't come from this world, I'm a hybrid. I've said it before and I'll say it without shame once and again. Human emotions are indeed a problem, I respect that. But there's a manner in which one can learn to understand them. And better themselves. So why are there people out there, who do not? Who give up so easily? Why are there powerful spirits locked inside of these human bodies, with more power and knowledge than any actual human.... and they give in so easily? Why do people sit there saying that they need love and affection, when they themselves do not show it in a manner in which others can see?

These are just my thoughts. Have a good day everyone. Esp my CFs <3

[Raphiella Blu Azure]

FACTS about the BLUENESS 101 <3

1. I'm 100% emotionless. I can talk about anything without even giving a flying fuck about it, no matter how terrible things are. However, if I wish, I can feel some things, but not all of them. I have become selective on when to feel, and how. A lot of meditation helps.

2. Often times, I'm so straight-forwards, that I come across as a total fucking bitch. I'm not afraid to admit it, and totally not ashamed either. Sometimes, in order to get things to go in the right direction, you need to step up and turn into a fucking dick. IDK that's how Mel does it. Figured I'd give that shit a try. And it's working so why not.

3. I'm retarded when it comes to colors. I can't stand wearing any other color. I'm not shitting you, all of my blue clothes are in the wash for the moment, so I'm literally wearing Melvin's clothing. Which sucks ass, because he wears black and green pants and green shirts. I stole his army one because I'm not wearing that retardedly green Xboner shirt he got last night ahem no. I'm literally fucking OBSESSED with blue, and it is driving me fucking MAD inside that I'm not wearing it right now DX

4. I fucking love animals. No, like seriously. They're better than having pet humans. LAWLZ. No, they are there for you when you need them, they sense when you're down and pick you up - and they know when the fuck you're pissed and to back off. They're smart and loyal - without question. Roxas proved that last night when Mel came home that's for sure haha.

5. Without music, I would die. No seriously, it calms me the fuck down when I'm so riled up I'm shaking. I get pretty heated really fucking fast, and have to fight the urge to beat ass. I might be a total fucking shut-in, but fuck with my family, you're fucking done for. I'm old enough to know how to handle myself, and young enough to do it right. So bring it motherfuckers.

6. I'm super fucking antisocial. I'm more like Chris now, because fuck people. They ruin lives. I've been fucked over so many times I have no reason to leave my house. I do sometimes, but that's very rarely and if Mel nags at me to do so. I have a problem with light now, my eyes are super sensitive to sunlight and the docs and therapists say it's due to me locking myself in a dark room for the last year straight. I lost my family. My former mates left me, Kyle pissed me off (but is doing better now thankfully), and I lost my kids after one of my mates attacked and raped me and Mel. So like seriously, my life sucks. Good thing I don't feel shit though XD because none of that can touch me now.

But yeah enjoy the intel. I was bored and felt like writing. BBL <3

[Raphiella Blu Azure]

Man oh man, I came back to this? Heh, people best check themselves before I beat the ever-living shit out of them. Now that I'm going to be around a little more often, you guys best know your fucking place.

In my fucking house or not. I'm done tolerating this shit. Done having Mel be upset over stupidity, done having people talk shit about Chris just because he can't fucking get over his fears. FUCKING DONE. Anyone who fucking says shit about him again will be scalped alive, and forced to attend work as such so don't fucking test me you know who the fuck you are asshole.

Also, Chris talked last night, for the first time in over two years. Normally when he talks to me, Mel or even his brother he whispers and says like one sentence. But he actually talked like for real. So fuck you asshole.

Anyways, good fucking day. When Mel gets back I swear on my life if you guys make him worry or upset I'll break every bone in your body. Promise Love you guys.

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